3.3 The Sobriety Diaries
I have come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.
I was having problems writing this. I listened to the silence for the whisper that could be God’s voice. I heard nothing. Where are you? Where is this power that is greater than myself? I had to take my search for a walk, the God I was looking for eluded me while I was sitting behind a desk. Presently I found myself lost in thought on a bench overlooking Zoo Lake. “Mind if I sit down?” it was the car guard from the First Step. I was too polite to tell him to fuck off.
“So, you are having trouble believing in God.” He looked at me directly, it was a statement. “Why?”
“Lack of evidence,” I replied “a singular lack of evidence.”
“But look around you, look at those ducks. Who do you think made those ducks?”
“No one made them. The existence of ducks is no proof that God exists. And while you are about it, don’t quote from the bible as proof of the existence of God. The bible is a book written by man and a quote from it does not trump any rational argument.”
My car guard looked disappointed, “yes, boss.” He kicked the ground.
“Lemme ask you something, if there was a God, and I’m only saying, if” now he was really invading my space and my solitude. “How big do you think such a god would be? And how old? And what do you think he would fucking sound like?”
“I don’t know.” I replied “as big as the universe I suppose, and about as old.” “Hell yeah” my car guard buddy slapped his knee. My mind raced out into the spaces beyond the spaces. Out into the farther reaches of my understanding. Out there, somewhere, 13.8 billion years ago something did happen. A huge explosion of existence. Gasses boiled and raced out in every direction. A wild primordial soup. And then there was Light.
I thought about my existence, not in a philosophical way- that would have made Car Guard’s job far too easy. I thought of myself as a science experiment. I am 65% oxygen, 18% carbon 10% hydrogen and 3% nitrogen. I am more gas than matter, so how come I am sitting here next to Car Guard? Those vaporous molecules have been in existence since the beginning of time and have travelled millions of miles to bring me to this bench. They have travelled through stars, the Great I Am. And I am aware of it. I am conscious of my existence. I have become Flesh. And I think, therefore I Am.
In those shameful drunken moments at the bottom of the scraped barrel as I lay there naked, depressed and confused an invisible hand reached in and touched my aching body. “Open your hand,” came the familiar voice inside my head “open your mind and let go. You are far stronger than you think.” From deep within, the deathless part of me that knows the answer to every unasked question, responded. It came from the low cosmic vibration that has been heard ever since the universe burst forth. It came from a time so long ago, before matter even began to matter. The spaces between all the spaces that made up my existence reached out and touched every part of everything. It reached into my drunkenness and it touched my sobriety. I am the Universe. “Come into the light, you are not alone.”
“Yeah” Car Guard slapped me on the back “that’s what I’m talking about.” It was as if he was reading my mind. “Fucking ducks, man.”
“Yeah” I agreed “fucking ducks.”