Let me introduce you to the most fearsome defender of the golf course, a brave soul. He was the most courageous of God’s creatures. Obie-wan Kenobie. This was no ordinary dog; this was the most magnificent canine that God ever breathed life into. In his pea-brain that was the Only Truth. The reality was far, far left field of Obie’s World.
Obie was not blessed with any dog features that were handsome or beautiful. Obie was more like a garage experiment than a pet. Roughly rooster in size, with course white hair and large pert ears. The runt looked more like a comical cross-bred loon. Half white rat, half goat – Obie’s half asleep, bulging eyes gave nothing away of what was mincing over in his hyperactive cunning brain.
Obie came from inauspicious parentage. His mother, God rest her soul in peace, was also an ugly runt from a litter of dubious blood. Niki was the backwash from a badly maintained gene pool. One night she came on heat and the kids wanted to know why Niki was behaving so peculiarly. I recognised the signs and thought it would be a great idea to teach the children about God’s “Great Circle of Life”.
Armed with a blanket we crept into our neighbour’s property while they were out and kidnapped their precious Tommy. Now Tommy was by no stretch of the imagination a handsome catch. True, he looked more like a Maltese Poodle than did our trembling, quivering Niki, but he was by no means Pooch Heaven.
We safely secured Niki’s sex slave and placed them in the kitchen for the night to get on with… well what Poodles love to do when left alone. Passion was not one of them, for Niki immediately sat down with her bulging eyes pleading. “Oh no, not this” she seemed to beg “look at him, think of the litter”. I didn’t understand, nor did I want to. We had secured Niki her beau and we would release him of his obligation in the morning.
That night the Earth did turn and the planets swirled in the heavens and so it seemed did the Morning Star, Venus.
“Hey Mom, Dad. There is something wrong with Niki. She’s stuck to Tommy and can’t get away”. Ah union. The two have become one flesh and in Canine Heaven the Great Dog Spirit was well pleased with what was wrought on the Greenside kitchen floor that night.
Domestic life settled down to its routine hum and beat and things went on as normal, for a while. Niki became a little docile, a bit podgy and before long the great garage experiment was about to bear its fruit.
There was great excitement when Niki produced her litter. Overnight from quivering, shivering and even pathetic white rat she became a proud mom; She gave birth to three of the ugliest dogs I have ever seen. Then there was The One. The fourth was the largest, fluffiest and most handsome Maltese I have ever seen. My heart was set and this was the one we would keep. Except – I had to spoil it all by telling the truth.
“Wanna see what Tommy did?” I leaned over our neighbour’s wall and asked. “What?” I think they were expecting trouble. They came around and were enchanted. Their Tommy and look what he produced. Apparently Niki had nothing to do with it. “Pick of the litter?”
“Sure, why not” And they marched off with The One, leaving us with the ugliest three hounds in all of Christendom.