The Muppets do Bangkok

Warning – SNL not to be read by sensitive viewers

There is just no escaping it – My Young Bride (MYB) and I are nerds, complete and utter. She a Girl Guide and I a Boy Scout, we were childhood sweethearts. She is deaf and I am short-sighted. When we were younger she just thought the world was quiet and I believed life was always a bit hazy. When we went to movies it was more like an evening with the Muppets than the Coolios. Forget about snogging in the back seat – we went and sat in the front row, she explaining to me what the pictures were about and I giving a loud running commentary on what was being said.

Sooner or later we were to be wed – kinda like see no evil, hear no evil. Luckily I had my eyes tested and was fitted with a serious pair of goggles and MYB was equipped with two enormous hearing aids. For the entire world we were a normal couple. Except until we started swimming the Midmar Mile. For the uninitiated this race is point-to-point across the dam. That means you have to rock up to the start in your bathing costume and nothing else. Your towel, goddies, hearing aids, glasses and stuff waits for you at the finish, a mile away across the water. I think you get the picture – MYB leading me, hand on her shoulder and me yelling at the top of my voice, telling her about the PA announcements. Ok folks – here come the Muppets!!

Now I tell you about our special relationship because it did have some bearing on our visit to Bangkok a few years ago.  

Without doubt, if you find yourself in that bewildering neck of the woods, you must go to Patpong Road. For the uninitiated this is a red light district in the very heart of Bangkok’s sex industry. A busy night market aimed at tourists is also located in Patpong. There on one fateful night stood the main cast of Tom-the-Muppet and his young bride. Both purple with rage engaged in a heated argument while all the prozzies gazed on.

The fight was about going to see one of Bangkok’s famous sex shows. “Shit man, we have come all this way” I was screaming “we can’t just wimp out and not see one of the most famous sights of Thailand”.

“I don’t give a fuck” MYB is equally as strong on her views “it is a place for pervs and I’ll not go in there” she boldly announced pointing at an orange door held open by a smarmy looking Thai guy in a shiny mauve suit. Eventually good common sense and lashings of curiosity found us comfortably seated in the Patpong Theatre of Sex clutching our free beer we got on our way in as part of the deal.

The lights dimmed and a drum rolled, the show was about to start. A young girl came and sat next to me and put her hand on my leg. On my other side was MYB cheerfully drinking her beer. I looked at the girl, she was completely naked except for her slip-slops. I gripped my beer as hard as I could and stared ahead into the dark theatre. There was a vein standing out on my temple.

A blinding spotlight split the dark, on the stage a lone soda bottle….

Parrruuuuummmm – dish! The show was about to start. I am sitting in a darkened theatre with my wife next to me. On my right is a naked women and her hand is moving up my leg. Mini-me is so scared he timidly retreats and is trying to hide away in my underpants. On my left MYB has just chugged her first beer and is ordering another round. “One for your little friendie?” she asks sarcastically pointing to Tai-mai. I’m just staring ahead a vein sticking out of my left temple; I can feel the blood pumping. 

A young Thai girl struts centre stage and picks up the lone soda bottle and mischievously looks around, who will be my bunny tonight? She starts stroking it, long easy strokes at first and then faster and faster…until … She puts it back on the floor squats over it and with labia the strength of a plumber’s grip she opens the bottle with a sizzling smile and a sexy twist of her hips. Swishhhhh. Soda water spews over the floor and the crowd goes wild. “Wunderbar “yells a huge German three rows back. He is sweating profusely and has a scarlet face, there are three young girls crawling all over him licking and kissing. By now the music is really pumping “The sound is too loud, it’s hurting my ears” says MYB “I’m turning my hearing aids off”

The next act involves smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings followed by juggling ping pong balls. With all that is holy in my fifty years I never knew that a woman could do stuff like that with her pussy. MYB is switched off and can’t hear, Tai-mai next to me is nibbling on my ear. “You want to make fuckee fuckee?” she whispers. Ho my God, she is younger than my daughter, lucky MYB can’t hear a thing. Me? I just stare ahead and listen to the blood pumping in my ears.

The big, big act was going to start; you get that impression from the rising music and the general excitement. This involves lesbian acts and all manner of unbelievable pussy acts that defy even the most colourful and perverted imagination. A young girl licks her lips and playfully looks around. She winks at Herman the German – something is going to happen – I just sense it. She peels a banana and slowly, erotically gives it a blow-job. It then disappears into the warm and secret places that have been the star of show all night. She sits on the floor legs bent, crotch open. Turning, turning…I get the picture of a turret on a battleship looking for a target. “She’s gonna shoot that thing” MYB perceptively yells.

Swish, it misses me by a hairbreadth – thud. It strikes home, the banana hits Herman in the chest. Thailand just sunk the Bismarck. I look back and the big oke has this goofy grin as he finishes off his banana. That’s when things turned a bit weird – I suddenly found out why strippers like the guy with the glasses. Tai-mai whips my specs off and shoves them up her twat. “Fuck!!”

“I can’t see” I tell MYB.
“Huh – I can’t hear you”
“I lost my glasses”
“I lost my fucking glasses” I yell at the top of my voice.
“Where did you put them?”
“They are up Tai-mai’s twat”
“How did they get there?”

I started this story explaining what a couple of nerds MYB and I really are. With a little lively persuasion we eventually retrieved my glasses. There was even clapping and cheering for me as I, with a flourish put on my specs and took my bow. Mini-me was now definitely as embarrassed as his owner and was cowering in a dark corner of my underpants. Soon enough MYB and I were back in Patpong Road yelling at each other. “Next time keep your fucking glasses on your face”

“It wasn’t me” I sheepishly bleat. Nothing I say is going to make any of this better. I just shut up and look around for a taxi to take us back to our hotel. Her hearing aids are back on, my glasses a bit murky – smelling of pussy. The Muppets do Patpong Road, ah yes what a couple we make, what a couple.

About Tom Cottrell

Tom is a struggling author, pilgrim and citizen of Planet Earth.
Gallery | This entry was posted in The Hell of it and other essays and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

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